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My husband left me with debts. My husband left for someone else, leaving me with two children and loans. Left without a roof over my head and money.

Daughter... Only 9 years together.
But our 4 background is his bankruptcy. And we survived hunger, and cold, and threatening calls, just like in the 90s! When we met, he seemed smart and ambitious to me. I always wanted to emigrate from the former USSR. An opportunity came up to go to Canada. He suggested: he needs to somehow wind down the business (which is already dead) + pay off his debts, etc. the child is small, then I have to go to Canada alone, arrange everything, prepare... and in a year he and his daughter will come. For the sake of the child's future, I agreed. My mother lived with him and her daughter all year. A terrible year for me, alone in a foreign country, without family, without friends, different jobs, separation from my baby... but in the end, I found a good job, bought a car, opened a kindergarten, rented an apartment in Toronto. I paid for the tickets. Over the course of a year, I sent him approx. 10 thousand dollars. He said everything was fine. Brought me my daughter. He said that he needed to go back. Then I found out that the debts had become larger, he sold our apartment, all the money was spent on debts, there were still large debts left... I decided to leave. He calls, whines, about love, about his daughter... but I’m afraid of his debts, love is gone... I don’t see a future with him... only one thing confuses me - the daughter’s own father... I realized that this is “family happiness “What happened I created it myself, that he only took it for granted... That he had to be pushed in the back in order to do something. I’m used to plowing, but he’s always looking for easy money... He even borrowed from my father! I want to leave, I want a new relationship (there is a contender), but I am tormented by my conscience and relatives from far away with their shamings: Shame on you... I left my husband at a difficult moment... And in 11 years I have never been on vacation, I tired! And my aunties and mother impose all their values ​​on me: they say, family, be patient... how long??? Tell! What should I do... no passion, no respect, no love... fear of his debts and that his creditors will start calling me with threats. what should I do? Work and pay off his debts? Is this my duty? Or should I leave and try to start life again - me and my daughter? Try a new relationship? I'm really looking forward to your answer, thank you.

Answers from psychologists

Tatyana, good afternoon.

You feel that you need to understand the situation more fully. You are tormented by conflicting thoughts, and in this case, the right decision is difficult. It happens that people make decisions based not on what they themselves want, but on what they think that others want it. It is advisable to see the situation from different sides. Solid reliance on realistic self-esteem will give you the strength to make the right decision.

Sincerely.

Kudryashova Alla Albertovna, psychologist Minsk

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Hello Tatiana. The decision in this situation is only yours. But at the same time, remember that you have one life, and no one has the right to demand any part of it from you. You do not live for your relatives and public opinion. You talk about debts, money and almost nothing about feelings. They should determine your relationship with your husband. Divorce, if it takes place, determines the relationship between the spouses and does not deprive the father of his daughter. "We were the perfect couple. Everyone admired us." It seems to me that this is not what defines an ideal couple. Family happiness cannot be created alone (unless you mean money). Understand with your conscience what is behind this: if the reaction of other people, even significant ones, then this is distrust of yourself, if this is your understanding that you cannot do this because you are cheating on yourself, then you need to listen to this. In any case, it should be YOUR decision. Good luck to you!

Chvalun Evgeniy Viktorovich, psychologist Ryazan

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Hello Tatiana!

Marriage is always more than just love. Of course, no one has canceled the emotional component: admiration, trust, resentment, affection, jealousy, passion, disappointment and warmth - all this is usually present in a relationship between two people. But marriage is also a kind of agreement - about how people build their lives together, supporting and helping each other achieve their common goals and goals. These expectations regarding each other can be discussed or not, recognized or not, shared or not, in different ways in different families.

Based on your letter, it seems that this (possibly unspoken) agreement was violated in your family. You worked hard to provide a good future for your family and daughter, and you probably expected the same from your husband. And now, when unexpected facts regarding his financial affairs began to be revealed to you, it seems that resentment and disappointment have set in...

You write that you have made the decision to leave, and it looks like this is a fairly firm internal decision, dictated by strong feelings.
Which is very understandable. Some things, like cheating, are quite difficult to forgive and almost impossible to discuss. It’s easier to break everything off and move on to a new life, spending much less effort and energy. And you absolutely have the right to your own happy life, without fear and disappointment.

But there is your daughter in this situation and you, of course, perfectly understand, and without numerous promptings from your relatives, how traumatic a divorce situation can be for her (it is especially difficult for a child if the parents part as enemies). A child needs both mom and dad, even if they don’t live together. Therefore, whether you remain married to your husband or not, it is very important to maintain a partnership, respectful relationship with him as the father of the child. And to do this, you will have to discuss a number of important issues and find a way to agree and cooperate: how much time will your daughter spend, how and with whom? Who will be
be responsible for financial support of the child? How do you see her future, what kind of kindergarten, school, extra classes, etc. should it be? How will you give her enough attention and let her know that she continues to be important and loved to both of you? Are you both ready to demonstrate mutual respect and not turn your daughter against each other (which is very common in such situations)?

Discussion of all these issues is not easy, often painful, but extremely important, since the goal is a compromise that will allow the daughter to experience all possible changes in the least painful way. You can start this dialogue either independently or with the help of a professional psychologist who will help you do this constructively.
By the way, the results of this joint work may be unexpected - you can understand much more about the reasons for your husband’s behavior, explain a lot to him about yourself, your desires and feelings, and perhaps the result will be a decision to stay together and build your life in a new way. Or not.

But, in any case, this will be a conscious, joint decision that will allow you to let go of resentment, anger, guilt, sadness and disappointment. And move on - in the path that will bring you real satisfaction with life.

I really wish you patience and wisdom in this important process.

Ayana Spivak, psychologist Toronto

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Hello, Oksana.

The situation is really not simple. I think that concluding an agreement on the division of property will help you, and if your husband does not agree to such a transaction, filing a claim in court for the division of property. Thus, you will divide both the property and at least part of the debts (those that have been formalized) in equal shares. The law allows this to be done during marriage.

Family Code of the Russian Federation. Article 38. Division of common property of spouses
1. The division of the common property of the spouses can be made both during the marriage and after its dissolution at the request of any of the spouses, as well as in the event of a creditor making a claim to divide the common property of the spouses in order to foreclose on the share of one of the spouses in the common property of the spouses.

2. The common property of the spouses may be divided between the spouses by agreement. At the request of the spouses, their agreement on the division of common property can be notarized.

3. In the event of a dispute, the division of the common property of the spouses, as well as the determination of the spouses’ shares in this property, are carried out in court. When dividing the common property of spouses, the court, at the request of the spouses, determines what property is to be transferred to each of the spouses. If one of the spouses is transferred property, the value of which exceeds the share due to him, the other spouse may be awarded appropriate monetary or other compensation.

4. The court may recognize the property acquired by each of the spouses during the period of their separation upon termination of family relations as the property of each of them.

5. Items purchased solely to meet the needs of minor children (clothing, shoes, school and sports supplies, musical instruments, children's library and others) are not subject to division and are transferred without compensation to the spouse with whom the children live. Contributions made by spouses at the expense of the spouses' common property in the name of their common minor children are considered to belong to these children and are not taken into account when dividing the spouses' common property.

6. In the case of division of the common property of the spouses during the marriage, that part of the common property of the spouses that was not divided, as well as the property acquired by the spouses during the subsequent marriage, constitute their joint property.

7. A three-year statute of limitations applies to the claims of spouses for the division of common property of spouses whose marriage is dissolved.

Article 39. Determination of shares when dividing the common property of spouses
1. When dividing the common property of spouses and determining shares in this property, the shares of the spouses are recognized as equal, unless otherwise provided by the agreement between the spouses.

2. The court has the right to deviate from the beginning of equality of shares of spouses in their common property based on the interests of minor children and (or) based on the noteworthy interests of one of the spouses, in particular, in cases where the other spouse did not receive income for unjustified reasons or spent the common property of the spouses to the detriment of the interests of the family.

3. When dividing the common property of the spouses, the common debts of the spouses are distributed between the spouses in proportion to the shares awarded to them.

This situation occurs often. The husband takes out a loan and after the divorce does not fulfill his financial obligations. The bank or collectors foreclose on the ex-wife in order to collect the debt. People, not knowing their legal rights, get scared and start paying other people's bills.

If in the concluded agreement the spouse is not indicated as a guarantor and did not sign, the creditor has no right to demand money. The wife's responsibility for her husband's debts to the bank is not visible. Otherwise, the actions of the creditor are considered illegal. In Art. 45 of the RF IC states that only the property of the husband, who must repay the loan, can be seized.

This is done when there are not enough funds to pay off the debt. The part of the property that was transferred to the debtor during division is subject to inventory. If the family did not acquire property during the marriage, the bailiff has nothing to describe. Collection will consider other debt repayment options.

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Cases falling under Article 45 of the RF IC

Jointly acquired property is subject to inventory and arrest if it is bound by common obligations.

  1. Purchasing living space with a mortgage.
  2. The agreement was signed by one of the spouses, but the funds were spent on the needs of the family. This could be improving living conditions, educating a child, buying a car.
  3. When purchasing housing, both spouses are taken into account in the contract.

In these situations, the obligation to repay the debt rests with both borrowers. If the conditions are not met, items acquired jointly are subject to seizure. If the amount is not enough to repay, the bailiff will foreclose on personal property (property acquired before marriage - Article 256 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation).

Property received as a gift or inheritance cannot be shared and subject to division. The conditions can be changed by a prenuptial agreement. If representatives of a bank or collection agency begin to extract a debt from a wife who is not included in the agreement and did not participate in spending the amount issued, all disputes should be considered in court.

When threats are received, it is necessary. Such actions violate the law and require the intervention of representatives of the law. An exception is a court decision, but in this case the debt is collected by the bailiff and only by legal methods.

A lawsuit was filed in court over the ex-husband's debt

When a claim is filed, spending is difficult. But there is a chance, it is important to find and present receipts for the purchase. Witnesses can provide significant support in the proceedings, but an experienced lawyer will play an important role.

Division of living space during divorce

All property acquired during marriage is considered joint according to Art. 34 RF IC.

Types of joint property include:

  1. Income of spouses as a result of business, work or other income-generating activities.
  2. Movable property purchased by married citizens.
  3. Real estate.

Housing acquired during marriage is considered joint property. The fact of purchase with the money of one of the spouses is not taken into account (Article 34, paragraph 3 of the RF IC). A marriage contract can change the situation. It indicates the division of acquired property, including that which will be purchased in the future. If there is mutual agreement, the agreement is drawn up in the presence of a notary.

Required documents:

  • a document certifying the ownership of real estate;
  • Russian Federation passport;
  • certificate certifying marriage or divorce.

If a conflict between the parties arises, the issue of division is decided by the court.

When property is not divided in a divorce:

  1. If the purchase was made with the husband’s personal money, i.e. gifted or inherited. There was a sale of personal property, and during the marriage an apartment or house was purchased with these funds.
  2. Residential premises were received free of charge.
  3. A husband or wife buys an apartment while actually living separately, but is legally married at the time of purchase.

The above circumstances give an advantage to one of the parties, but do not deprive the other of the right to challenge in court, guided by Art. 36 IC RF.

In the process of dividing property, the court will take into account the presence of children. The percentage of property ownership will be affected by the fact that they live with their father or mother (Article 39, paragraph 2 of the RF IC).

Taking into account the interests of the parties:

  1. The family must have children who have not reached the age of majority at the time of the divorce.
  2. A minor lives with a husband or wife after a divorce.
  3. Submit a petition related to the division of property in the interests of the child.

The share can be increased in favor of the spouse with whom the child will live.

Documents required for the court:

  • a document certifying the right to own property;
  • papers from the technical documentation bureau and permission for redevelopment;
  • extract from the house register;
  • divorce certificate;
  • passport;
  • proof;
  • receipt of payment of state duty.

In some cases, the list may differ.

If the apartment was purchased during marriage, it is considered joint property. If there is a conflict between the parties, the court will divide it in half, taking into account the presence or absence of children. The division is given three years, but lawyers do not recommend delaying the process.

After a divorce, if the spouses cannot independently decide with whom the children will live, the court will deal with this issue.

Facts to decide:

  1. When the child reaches the age of ten, his opinion will be taken into account.
  2. Presence of attachment to the parent.
  3. The lifestyle of each spouse, mental state and the presence or absence of addictions.
  4. Equivalence of the responsibilities of mother and father.
  5. Availability of free time and material well-being. The ability to create comfortable living conditions and responsibility.

Before making a decision, the judge will comprehensively study the listed points. What is important is not the personal interests of the spouses, but the mental balance of the child. The level of well-being does not always play a decisive role. If the father and mother lead a healthy lifestyle, and there are no defamatory arguments in either direction, the court will prefer to leave the children to the wife. There are exceptions.

This is my second post to the community, as I wrote about my insecurities, I wanted to delve into myself. There is a more pressing problem facing me now. The husband does not provide for the family and is irresponsible in spending money. Moreover, he looks like a successful handsome man, the center of attention in any company, DIRECTOR! advertising company. So, more details...
My husband and I are 27 years old, we are together for love, we have a six-month-old baby we love. Naturally, I'm on maternity leave. The problems started a year ago, when I was still pregnant. One fine evening, my husband shows up home and from the doorway makes me happy - Darling, I bought the car of my dreams :)) Despite the fact that a year before he had already bought himself a good car and was still paying off the loan for it. The new car cost one and a half million rubles. He bought it without consulting me, knowing that I was pregnant and would soon go on maternity leave. To get the full picture: we have nowhere to live; we live in a rented small one-room apartment in a panel house on the outskirts of the city. Our parents have a very modest income, state employees. those. No one helps us, and of course we don’t ask anyone for help.
To buy a car, he sells the old one much cheaper than its price, borrows 400 thousand to repay the loan for the old car from the founder of the company of which he is the director + takes one and a half million on credit for a new one... Naturally, after such a surprise, my pregnant head swam around, and we had such a good scandal. But he tried to assure me that we would have enough money to live on, he would just earn twice as much and everything would be fine. As a result, I concentrated on not making trouble and carrying a healthy child.
What we have now. Absolutely all the money my husband earns goes to pay off his debts. The only thing he does is pay the rent of the apartment himself. Otherwise, not a penny for the needs of the family. It must be assumed that I did not sit idly by. I am a designer myself, I began to take a lot of work home, and earn money whenever possible. The whole family is on me, all expenses are on me. All purchases for the child are on me. Raising a child is also up to me. Besides this, dinners and breakfasts are also my responsibility, and all the housework is also my responsibility. During the day with the child, housework, massage for the child, clinics, running around, bathing the baby in the evening, strong coffee at night and work until the morning. I started to look like a zombie, I was really tired.
I, as an “understanding wife,” have already stopped even tugging at him, although everything is constantly boiling inside me. I only have to say a word about money - he starts to get nervous and reproach me for nagging him. And the most wonderful thing is that to my periodic conversations that we need a new stroller or children's overalls, he responds like this: “EARN AND BUY.” In his new car, he doesn’t even take the child and me to children’s affairs (clinics and other institutions ) I'm not talking about everything else. I have to shell out a lot of money for a taxi, from my own pocket, of course. And yet, he constantly goes to trainings, such as: director’s portfolio, management, etc., he always finds money for them, calling these expenses investments in the future.
Now the pros, oddly enough, they exist. It may seem that he has distanced himself from our family, but that is not the case. He loves our child very much, plays wonderfully with him, my husband and I seem to be doing well, everything is fine with sex. Despite the fact that I get terribly tired during the day, I have enough strength for this. My business is gradually moving forward. Previously, I worked in a company simply as a designer, and now I am at home with a child in my arms, earning more than before, sitting in the office from 9 to 18. I simply have no other choice, need forces me to move forward and develop not only as a designer but also as a designer. entrepreneur. This situation served as an impetus for my development, because... I used to be afraid to crawl out of my comfort zone, working for my uncle for a salary.
Now I’ll try to formulate the problem in general. It seems to me that my husband is used to living the way we live now. He began to RELY on me, and the older the child, the harder it was for me to find time to work. He lives by the principle “we eat shit with a golden spoon.” We drive a cool car and live in a rented apartment around my wife’s neck. I'm afraid that when he pays off his existing debts, he will suddenly get involved in some other story. But I don’t want to live like this forever. And I cannot influence him with ordinary conversations, much less reproaches. How, tell me, how can I change a person’s worldview, influence his mythical values ​​imposed from the outside. I ask for advice and help, whether there are methods more effective than an ordinary scandal. Thanks to those who read to the end!

I really didn’t think this would happen. My husband read the post and comments. And perhaps for the first time I thought about it. He didn’t admit it to me for half a day. I digested it calmly, there was an unusual blush on my face :)
I made no complaints. We agreed that once a month he would put a certain amount on my table. Those. I am also a bank. And I’m even angrier than the bank, and I have direct access to the debtor. :) Let’s see, let him plan his income taking into account the newly appeared monthly payment. Perhaps it’s more convenient for him and me. Thanks to this community, thanks for the advice. I really liked the advice to invite the founder home and set him a classic table with vodka and cucumbers :)